The Epic Shinra Hair War
by skyedragon2
Summary: One snip of the scissors and it's gone. Imagine the horror! It's a good thing that Shin-ra is filled with only the best of the best! Each fighting for their own goal. Who will come out victorious! A fanfiction filled to the brim with crack, humor and hair
1. What Started It

**A/N: Consider this your Valentine's present. I wasn't planning on writing this story for a while but I have just returned from Katsucon where I was cosplaying as Sephiroth and I met lots of other FF7 cosplayer's and now I'm pumped full of FF7 goodness. (A Cloud cosplayer and I had a mock fight, I got to stab an Aerith and I now have a t-shirt that says "I *picture of Meteor* Midgar" Oh and there was the cutest Reno that I have ever seen there!)**

There is very little known about Rude of the Turks. And he likes to keep it that way. What we do know is he's Rufus's favorite because of his ability to take orders without question and follow them to the letter. Tseng's likes him because he's always at work on time and is a studious employee compared to another certain red-headed Turk who always seems to fail to meet all and every expectation laid out before him. We even know that he has a strange little fetish for wearing shades even when he's inside. But what else is there to this quiet reserved Turk?

Let me let you in on a little secret. Are you ready for it?

Rude used to have hair.

Surprised yet? Yes, Rude of the Turks, used to have hair and I don't just mean the hair of his goatee. No, no, no, he used to have a nice head of dark, mahogany hair, cut short but not like that military-style kind of short. It had some length to it and he kept it nice and clean. He was very handsome with it if I do say so myself.

What happened to it you ask? Well I dare you to take a guess.

Reno happened.

That really shouldn't have been a surprise. Yes, Reno, a newly recruited Turk at the time, had been partnered up with Rude since day one. And that's not all too surprising either. It makes perfect sense that they'd put a hard working, responsible Turk with the newbie who had a nasty habit of letting his responsibilities slid from time to time. And you can guess that Reno wasn't to please with that. He was sick of hearing about what a good Turk Rude was and how he, Reno should act more like him. I guess it must have built up a little too high for the poor guy and he snapped.

After one badly failed mission, in which Rude was sent to the infirmary to be treated for possible Mako poisoning, Reno snuck in that night with a razor. And Rude's hair was gone by morning.

And he kept it that way. Made him look much more threatening if you ask me.

But that was the beginning of the battle between hair and scissors, better known as _The Epic Shin-ra Hair War. _

**A/N: Sorry this is so short, but I needed a way to start this off and I thought it was kind of funny to think of Rude with hair. Let me know what you think of the narration. Should I keep it this way or should I go back to my regular style of third-person? Review and tell me what you think please! Chapter Two should be up soon. **


	2. The First Battle

**A/N: Hmmmm, well no one really seemed interested in the first chapter but I can't blame you guys, it was quite bland. Hopefully this makes up for the lack of action since Chapter 1.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own none of the characters or proper pronouns that show up in this fanfiction. **

Reno strolled lazily down the Turk hallway, whistling merrily, a small skip in hidden in his step. Today was his day off and he planned to spend it _all_ bothering Tseng. He waved cheerily to Elena who was trudging in the opposite direction, just getting off the graveyard shift. The blonde eyed him warily, no doubt wondering why the red-head was at the Shin-ra building when he could be getting plastered at some slum bar. But instead of pondering the inner workings of Reno's mind she just nodded once in his vague direction and walked into the elevator, pressing the ground floor button while she attempted to stifle a yawn.

Reno rounded the corner, still contemplating all the possibilities for his free afternoon.

Tseng was a well known coffee addict, not able to function properly until he had gotten his daily dose. Perhaps Reno could replace it with de-caf or even better yet, spike it? But then again that would effect everyone else who got coffee and he did NOT want to see a smashed Cissnei anytime soon, especially after last year's Christmas party. How about if he put all of Tseng's office supplies in Jello like he had seen on that one TV show Zack was addicted to? But then again, in an office building he had a rather limited supply of Jello and no way of making it himself.

Tseng's office door rolled into view and Reno smirked to himself, looks like he'd just have to go off the top of his head for this one. He leaned forward, grasping the cold, metal door handle just as the door was shoved open from the opposite side. It smacked him straight on and he stumbled backwards, swearing colorfully and clutching at his nose, which he hoped to dear Gaia, was not broken. He glared up through watering, blue eyes to see a smirking Rude gazing calmly down at him through his dark shades. Tseng stepped out of the doorway from behind Rude, his attention fully focused on a pile of papers in his hand. The Commander spared a quick glance down at the injured Turk before turning on his heel and headed down the long hallway. Over his shoulder, he called to Rude, "Grab him Rude, I believe it's time for his annual haircut."

Reno blanched, his face turning an even paler shade then was normal. Each year Tseng required that all of the Turks get a haircut. Not that it bothered anyone else, just Reno, and for good reason. His hair was like his signature and he was quite proud of it. He'd gotten his tattoos the same shade of crimson to match and his nick name was even based off his hair, Red. What would happen to his dignity if his hair, his very identity, was tampered with? Reno was convinced that this was Tseng's way of punishing him for shaving Rude's head.

Reno tensed as the larger Turk loomed ever nearer, an amused grin on Rude's face. That idiot was actually enjoying this, watching as Reno panicked. The red-head quickly began to evaluate his predicament, calculating his chances of escape. He reached for his E.M.R., just on the off chance that this encounter would turn into a brawl. Not that he really had a chance if it did; Reno was known for his smarts not his strength, like Rude. Reno would go down, even with the advantage of a weapon.

Deciding to take his chances with escape, he dived to the right of Rude, attempting to take advantage of the wide hallway. Of course, it was just Reno's luck that Rude had decided that today he was going to be unnaturally perceptive and had pre-meditated the younger Turk's plans. Reno crashed into the giant of a man as he stepped directly into his path, arms swinging out to grasp the small man. Reno ducked and scampered backwards, flicking on his E.M.R. He swung it warningly, letting the stick hiss and crackle menacingly, grinding his teeth in frustration when Rude just smirked. He lunged straight at Reno, who spring boarded himself over the bigger man, using Rude's back as leverage. He dropped to the ground and rolled to his feet, getting ready to make a break for it when a muscular hand wrapped in a vice-like grip around his ankle and dragged his foot out from under him. He pitched forward, landing very ungracefully on the industrial carpeted floor. His E.M.R. flew from his hand, leaving him defenseless as Rude began to drag him, still by his ankle, down the hallway, the way that Tseng had went. He raked his nails against the floor, keening loudly, like he was being murdered, as he attempted to escape from his impending doom.

* * *

Reno glared balefully up at the Turks that were surrounding him. Elena had had the audacity to bring a bowl of steaming popcorn and one of her old lawn chairs and had settled herself quite comfortably in front of him with the best seat to the show that Reno was bound to put on for his haircut. Tseng, the jerk who had started all this (okay not really, it was Reno's fault but he liked to pin the blame of someone else), was murmuring into his P.H.S., probably assuring Rufus that the Turks were, in fact, being productive today and that they would return to their duties first thing tomorrow morning. Rude was just finishing up securing the last of the harnesses that were keeping Reno strapped to the barber's chair that he was currently residing in. The big man pulled back to admire his handy work, tugging at one of the straps to ensure its security. A muffled yelp emanated from Reno as the belt tightened painfully but Tseng had had the brilliant idea of slapping a piece of duct tap over the young Turk's mouth. All in all, if it hadn't have been for the barber's chair, this would have looked like a regular Turk interrogation, complete with plenty of sharp and pointy objects sitting innocently on a tray next to the chair.

Internally, Reno was screeching every curse word he knew. His precious hair was about to be chopped off and these people didn't even care! He knew he had a pocket knife in his shoe that Rude had failed to confiscate when he had searched Reno for any other weapons. Now he only needed a sufficient distraction so he could reach it.

And a distraction did come. Cissnei burst through the door, huffing, out of breath, "Did I miss it yet?"

Tseng, Rude and Elena glanced up in vague surprise, which was rare for Turks, proving just how quiet Cissnei could be when she wanted to. Their attention diverted for just a few seconds, Reno strained his arm against the straps that were cutting into his skin and snatched up his knife and flicked it open. With a practiced hand, he sliced through the bonds and leapt to his feet, the blood rushing back into his arms, making them fell light and tingly. Before any of the others could react, he dashed for the door, shoving Cissnei roughly aside, at the same time, ripping the tape from his mouth which was rather painful.

As he sprinted down the hallway, arms and legs pumping as fast as they could, he could hear Elena screeching and Tseng's calm voice barking out orders. As the red-head reached the end of the corridor, he slowed down just enough to glance over his shoulder to assess his situation. He got an eyeful Tseng still standing in the door way, arm extended, holding out his handgun. A couple of bangs resonated through the hallway as the Commander of the Turks emptied a round straight at one of his own subordinates.

Reno dived around the corner as the bullets whizzed passed his head, bedding themselves deep into the wall he had just been standing in front of. Heart pounding, he scrambled to his feet and sprinted down the hall towards the elevator. Now that he had the entire Turk department after him, it was about time he enlisted some back up. It was a good thing that SOLDIER's weren't that bright.

**A/N: First off, I have nothing against SOLDIER, I'm just trying to show the rivalry between the two divisions. Secondly, I hope this chapter was more entertaining then the last one. It was a lot less B. too because I actually wrote out a rough draft for it. Read and Review please!**


	3. Joining Forces

**AN: What is this? An update? After how long? Yes folks, I am still alive after all these months and I still have the ability to write. Sorry it took so long. I just got my first job and I've been exhausted when ever I come home. Add in swim team, Anime Club and preparing for Otakon, it's been a pretty rough summer. But yeah, Otakon! Let me know if you're going, on Saturday I'll be going as Axel and Sunday I'm the Sephiroth carrying the Cloud plushie!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the proper pronouns that may or may not appear in this fanfiction. This is a non-profit organization too!**

"Zackary Isaac Fair! What the hell are you doing in my office?" the commanding voice of the silver-haired General rang out, causing a slacking dark-haired man to jump in surprise before falling off the chair he had just been occupying. There was a small scuffling before bright blue eyes peeked out from behind the chair, terror shining in them.

"H-heeey Seph! Didn't think you'd get back so soon! Mission go well?" Zack stood up quickly, shoving a hand suspiciously into his pocket in an attempt to hide what he had been messing with on the General's desk. Cat like green eyes watched the motion closely before narrowing at his second-in-command menacingly. Sephiroth strode forward purposefully, his long silver hair trailing behind him in a non-existent wind. He stopped only a foot away from his trembling friend, crossing his arms across his chest, leather creaking with the motion. Zack took a step back, swallowing audibly before trying to inch around the figure before him. A gloved hand snaked out, faster then Zack could see, even with his enhanced vision, and grabbed him roughly by the collar. A small bottle was shoved in front of his face and he let out a rather un-manly squeak of terror.

"Any idea what this is and how it came to be in my shower this morning, Lieutenant Fair?" Sephiroth's voice was the equivalent of ice crystals, raking across glass, sending shivers up the shorter man's spine.

Mako blue eyes jittered between the innocent looking bottle and the terrifying man in front of him. "N-no idea?" the answer came out more as a question, considering the position he was in, his only relief being that Masamune was safely in its case behind him, meaning Seph would have to let go of him in order to revive it, if the General was planning on skewering him through with it.

"No?" A silver eyebrow hiked upwards disbelievingly, disappearing behind Sephiroth's pale curtain of hair. The bottle inched closer, so close in fact that Zack had to cross his eyes in order to read the label correctly. "You have no idea how a bottle of pink hair dye came to replace my usual shampoo in my shower? Especially when only you and one other person have access to my apartment on a regular basis?"

A devilish smirk crept its way onto the younger man's face, "Why am I the first one you come to when something randomly shows up in your room? Maybe Genesis left it there the last time he was over, or maybe Cloud thinks you should try a new hair color? Ever thought of that?"

Sephiroth's hand unclenched, releasing Zack's uniform who in return attempted to straighten out the wrinkles that Sephiroth's grip had created. The dark-haired man mock saluted to his still seething General, before slipping out of Sephiroth's office. Once he was a good distance from the room, he sped into a run, giggling like a maniac. It would probably be a good idea to be a few miles away when Seph realized that Zack had left the bottle only as a distraction, the real pink dye had been painstakingly applied to the brush that Sephiroth kept in his desk drawer. He dashed towards the elevators, the receipt for the dye feeling like a brick in his pocket.

Reno sped down the hallway, fast enough to keep himself ahead of the other Turks, but slow enough as to not draw any unwanted attention. His eyes darted back and forth, attempting to find some other evacuation route, which would lead him to a safe haven. Inspiration came as a collision with a very heavy and fast-moving figure of navy blue and metal armor. The two went down together in a pile of curses, clanking armor and a flurry of red and black hair. As the two attempted to untangle themselves, Reno recognized the head of spiky black hair and almost fell over again.

"Zack? What the hell are you doing in the Turk department?"

The SOLDIER rolled to his feet, rubbing the back of his head which had made contact with the floor, "Turk Department? Man, I knew I had taken a wrong turn somewhere. Damn Shinra and all its confusing hallways!"

The young First Class leapt to his feet, straightening out his uniform that he wore proudly. Reno rose to his feet as well, quickly doing the risk estimate of roping Fair into his predicament. Scratching his head, he decided it came down to a fifty-fifty. "Oy, Zack, wanna help me with something?"

Zack paused in his ministrations to his outfit to eye Reno warily, "Help with what?" Reno smirked, so Fair wasn't as stupid as he thought. Everyone knows a Turk in need of help is never a good thing. Just as he was about to reply, a pair of young Turks raced through the hall at top speed. "Holy, shit! The General's on a rampage!" they called over their shoulder as they rounded the far corner of the hallway and disappeared out of sight.

Reno raised an eyebrow and turned to face the now quaking Zack on his other side, "Would that be the reason you happen to have appeared in the Turk Department?"

The SOLDIER laughed, but it sounded high and forced, "Oh man, I didn't think he'd find me so fast!" Reno nodded shortly, eyes narrowing in concentration. Alright, he still needed help to get back at Tseng but was it worth pulling in Fair and indirectly, the raging General? Then again, not counting the General and his two lackeys, Angeal and Genesis, Fair was the strongest ally he could hope for.

"Yo, Zack, listen up!" Reno barked. Zack almost jumped to attention by the commanding tone in the red-head's voice. "I can get you outta here and away from General Sephiroth but in turn you gotta help me, no questions asked. Got it?"

Zack eyed the hand that Reno had extended, mulling over the predicament before nodding to himself and grabbing it. They shook and Reno broke out into a broad grin. "Alrighty then, let's get going!"

He promptly jumped upwards, latching himself onto the vent opening over his head and tugged. The metal covering came off with a groan of metal and a sprinkling of dust. Reno grinned at his successes and then motioned for Zack, "Up ya' go buddy!"

The Lieutenant rolled his eyes, but some more terrified cries coming from down the hallway got him going. He leapt up, fingers catching on the lip of the opening. With a grunt, he hefted himself upwards and into the vent. Reno followed him closely, once inside, he forced the grate back into place.

Cramped into the tight space, Zack whined unhappily, "So what the hell are we gonna do now?" Reno forced himself to not roll his eyes, SOLDIER's, the prima donnas of Shinra. "Follow me, and try to keep quiet, alright? We're heading back the way we came so we'll be passing overhead Sephiroth."

Zack nodded in understanding and then snorted, "I don't even want to know how you found your way up here the first time…."

Damn Zack and his idiotic thinking, Sephiroth raged inside his head as he chased down in the direction that his second-in-command had headed. But the General had to hand it to him, the man was pretty smart, especially for planting that decoy. Now if only he would use that head in his missions, how much farther he could rise in Shinra. But no, Fair used his brains for ridiculous pranks and now Sephiroth had streaks of neon pink hair amongst his usual mass of metallic silver. It was infuriating.

He passed into the Turk section of the Shinra building, SOLDIER uniforms becoming scarce, to be replaced by the crisp, dark blue suits of the Turks. Many scurried out of his way, terrified of his seething aura. A select few pointed in the direction that Zack had gone. One even had the audacity to snap a quick picture of Sephiroth with his PHS before the General snapped it in two with his hand.

The hallways began clearing and the General slowed down to a walk. He wouldn't put it past Zack to try and hide and then sneak past Sephiroth in the opposite direction. Sephiroth stopped all together, taking a moment to plan. What would he do if he was in Zack's place? The first would obviously be to get as far away as possible, which Zack had done. And then? Sephiroth would get a friend for back up. But who would Zack go for? Cloud was on a mission and he wouldn't return until late tonight. Angeal was busy training cadets and even then, he wouldn't help out Zack, just give him a long lecture on honor and duty. Genesis….well Genesis would get a kick out of the fact that Zack had succeeded in his plan but he wouldn't help Zack just on the basis that it would be too much work. Who did that leave?

Sephiroth's musings were interrupted by the small cough. He glanced up to see Tseng standing in the middle of the hallway, arms folded behind his back, his chin held high. Sephiroth nodded to him in acknowledgement. Tseng returned it before he spoke, "Welcome to the Turk Department, General."

"Thank you Commander," was the dull response.

"As much as we appreciate your visit, I please request that you keep it brief. You seem to have terrified our younger members." Tseng spoke quietly, his face placid and calm with just the hint of threat behind his façade. Sephiroth smirked, the edges of his lips lifting upwards, barley noticeable. "I'll leave once I have found my Lieutenant. It seems he has wandered in here on his own and I've come to retrieve him."

Tseng titled his head to the side, a smile playing across his mouth, "Retrieve him? I would have thought that it would have been much worse considering the state of your appearance, Sephiroth."

The silver-haired warrior's smirk dropped, replaced by an icy glare. His back became rigid and his tone dropped to chilling. "Not to worry Tseng, he will have a fitting punishment."

Tseng nodded once again, his demeanor back to business, "Well it seems we are in the same predicament General. I happen to have a rogue Turk on the loose and it's vital we find him immediately. I was informed that he and your SOLDIER have been seen roving the halls together."

Sephiroth shrugged, "And what does that have to do with me?"

"We're very busy people, General, I suggest we join forces. We'd cover more ground that way and find them in half the time it would take us separately. Currently I have my elite Turks on the lookout. If you would be so kind as to lend a few of your SOLDIER's, I'm sure we'd find the pair quickly." Tseng stated.

The smile returned to Sephiroth as he flipped open his PHS and dialed a number, "How about something a little better than a handful of SOLDIER's?" The call rang for a few moments before someone picked up on the other line, "Gen? Am I interrupting anything? Good. I have an interesting proposition for you; it seems we have a few runaways from the military sections. Would you and Angeal like to help the Commander and me out? Wonderful, we're in the Turk Section, Level G. See you soon."

The General snapped the phone shut, "Genesis and Angeal are on their way. Get your Turks and we'll start." The Commander nodded with a grin.

Above the two military leaders, Zack stifled a gasp, wriggling with disbelief as he peered through the air vents. Behind him, Reno cursed under his breath. They only relaxed when they heard Tseng murmur something about meeting the other Turks on the floor below. The two fugitives both exhaled a sigh of relief when the pair below them disappeared from view.

"What the hell did you do to the General's hair?" Reno hissed back towards his companion. The other smiled bashfully, "I was bored?"


End file.
